I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
