If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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