You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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