just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
