I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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