2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
