I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
