I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
