Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I want her autograph on my taint
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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