Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
