I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
