It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I need to align my fucking chakras
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
