My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Michael Bay diarrhea
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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