when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
