Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
