I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
