life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
