I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
