I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
