everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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