The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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