Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
