and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
