Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
