i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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