Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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