note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
high people should be assigned attendants
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
