Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
All I want is dick and wine.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
