I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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