do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
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I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
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She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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