I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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