i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
