Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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