she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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