I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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