Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
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