i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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