how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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