So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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