Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
