'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
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