all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
