I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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