my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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