i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
