i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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