He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
