You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
