yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
