I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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