He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize