Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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