Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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