Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
