Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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