I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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