what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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