I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
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i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
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Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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