I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
