The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
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