Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Pooping to opera.
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